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2005.09.29

あれから一年

 一度だけ会った、愛知県の少年(17)が亡くなってからもう一年になります。彼は、その後亡くなったマリアが私と最後に会ったときに、連れて来た少年でした。彼はどことなく、2003年に「ネット心中」をして亡くなった広島県の少年(18)に似ていました。

 まず外見は家出中ということもあり、二人とも田舎の素朴な少年といった感じで、地味な服装で何度も同じ服を着ているといった感じでした。そして二人とも、最終的な局面では「迷っていた」ことです。上京中の広島県の少年を取材したときに、「生きてみるのもいいかな。それで自伝でも書くとか。でも、(「ネット心中」の相手の)女性がしつこんですよ。もし女性が断って来たら、生きようと思う」と話していた。その後、行方不明となり、発見されたのは数ヶ月後で、白骨化していた。彼のことは報道はされなかった。

 愛知県の少年の場合は、会ったときには取材ではなかったのですが、「僕って、死にそうに見えますか?」と聞いて来た。「外見じゃわからないよ」と言ったのですが、正直、あの広島県の少年に似ていて、ドキッとしていたのです。でも、そのことには触れずにいました。なにか言ってしまって、何かが起きるのが怖かったからかもしれません。そして、マリアとの電話を通じて、少年が最後のマリアへの電話で、「どうしよう!来ちゃったよ」と最後には躊躇していたことがわかりました。

 あのときから一年経ったんだとふと思いました。そういえば、一年前の数日前は、マリアと少年の居場所探しについて電話で話していたことも。結果として、マリアは少年が「ネット心中」をした場所の近くで、やはり同じ「ネット心中」で亡くなった。この一年、私はやはり、インターネットの問題を取材し続けている。

 こうした取材に何の意味があるのか。正直、分からない。でも、その意味を私が考えなくてもいい。誰かが考えてくれる。拙著「ネット心中」や「男女七人ネット心中」が、厚生労働省の報告書に引用されたということは、誰も描いていない世界の現実を私が追っていることを、一定評価されたからだろう。その現実をどう解釈し、インターネットの今後についてどう思うかは別かもしれないが。

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はじめて本気で死にたいと思ったのは、29の時でした。 29歳と30歳のたった一つの年齢差。そこに生き詰まりの自分がいました。 いわゆる世間からの「負け犬」的な些細な言葉に潰れました。 毎日他力本願で死にたいと思っていました。 だから本気だと書いていますけど、本気じゃなかったかもしれません。 死ぬ時に他人の手を借りるということは、まだ決心がなかったという証拠でもあります。 30歳を超えたら、急に考えが好転しました。 もうどうでもいいかな?投げやりなのか、考えたくな..... [Read More]

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