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2004.09.05

出会いが自分を変える


 毎日新聞に「記者の目」というコーナーがあります。取材記者や編集委員が個人の「目」で、取材をしたことを綴る企画記事です。9月1日は、小国綾子さんの「リストカットするあなたへ」。小国さんとは面識はありませんが、たびたび新聞紙上で名前を見て、注目している記者のひとりです。


記者の目:
リストカットするあなたへ 小国綾子

 今もリストカットを続けているあなたへ。夏休みが終わり、学校が始まりますね。久しぶりの学校で、不安な気持ちでいないか心配しています。

 あなたの思いを理解したくて、私は自傷経験のある10〜30代の20人に会ってきました。多くは若い女性です。「生きるために切ってる。何が悪い?」と言われたこともあれば「やめたい」と泣かれたこともあります。浅い傷のついた手首に包帯を巻き、言葉にならないSOSを出す人もいれば、誰にも知られないよう上腕や太ももだけを深く切り裂く人もいました。

 自傷の形はそれぞれ違っているけれど、一つだけ共通していたことがあります。リストカットは言葉にできない「心の叫び」だということ。自傷以外の方法で「叫び」を表現できるようになるまで、切らねば生きていけないのですね。

 あなたは一人ではありません。東海女子大の長谷川博一教授(臨床心理学)が2〜3年前、7大学の学生を対象にアンケートをしました。有効回答数654人のうち女子で7.6%、男子でも2.4%の人に自傷経験がありました。女子では13人に1人です。首都圏の私立中高校の養護教諭は「毎日必ず一人はリストカットした子が保健室に来る」と教えてくれました。

 切る理由は一人ひとり違います。「親がわかってくれない」と10代の少女たちは言いました。でも親に本音でぶつかったことはありません。嫌われるのが怖くて親の前では「よい子」の仮面を必死にかぶっているのです。いじめがきっかけだった子もいます。ある男子中学生は友達に「キモイ」と言われるたびカッターで手首を切っていました。心の悩みを打ち明けられる友達は一人もいない、と言いました。

 深刻なのは幼少期に親から虐待を受けた人たちです。米国の専門家は「自傷者の6〜7割が被虐待者」と説きます。実際、私の会った人の半分近くは虐待のトラウマに苦しんでいました。

 あなたはどんなときに切りますか。切ると落ち着きますか。私の出会った人たちはみな「血の色になぐさめられた」「血だけは裏切らない」と言いました。

 自傷は自殺未遂の亜種でも周囲の関心を引くための行為でもありません。爆発しそうな怒りや悲しみを一時的に抑え、感情を制御するための行動です。だからやめるのはとても難しい。

 あなたはたぶん切っても痛みを感じないでしょう。多くの人がそうです。解離という現象のためです。長い間自傷を続ければ、エスカレートしていきます。何針も縫う傷を何本もつけたり、1リットル近い血を注射器で抜いたり、皮下脂肪が焦げるまで肌を焼いたり……。以前のやりかたでは効かなくなるのです。

 寂しいから自傷する。自傷するたび、誰にも言えない秘密が増えていく。だからさらに孤独になり、また切ってしまう−−。多くの人がこの悪循環に陥って、抜け出せずにいます。

 あなたはクスリに頼ってはいませんか? 私の会った20人のうち12人までが心療内科や精神科の処方薬の大量服薬、つまり一気飲みを繰り返しています。「クスリ、飲んじゃった」という涙ながらの未明の電話を何度受けたことでしょう。

 切ることでどうにか生きていけるのなら、今は切ったっていい。少しずつ、自傷以外の方法を見つけていけばいい。でも大量服薬はやめてください。後戻りがとても難しいから。

 自傷は伝染します。米国のある研究者は自傷がよく見られる場所として刑務所と精神病院の入院病棟を挙げました。「自由を抑圧された空間で他人の自傷を目にする機会が多い」のが理由です。今のネット社会とどこか似ていませんか。

 血まみれの手首の写真がネットで公開され、あるいは携帯メールで友だちから届き、「死にます」宣言が繰り返されるネットの世界は時に危険です。見ているうちに切りたくなること、ありませんか?

 もちろん「メル友」も大切な出会いです。最初はメル友でも、カウンセラーでもいい。できるだけ多くの人と出会いを重ねてください。人との距離を取るのは難しい。誰かに思い入れ過ぎて避けられたり、裏切られることもあるでしょう。でも傷つきながら重ねる出会いの一つひとつがあなたの力になるはずです。いつか自傷に頼らず、心の叫びを言葉にできる日がきっときます。

 17歳で自傷を始め、しばらくやめられなかった私がえらそうなことは言えないけど。でも私は多くの出会いに救われました。

毎日新聞 2004年9月1日 0時11分
http://www.mainichi-msn.co.jp/shakai/wadai/news/20040901k0000m070166000c.html


 わたしはこうした自傷行為をしたことはありませんが、小国さんは当事者のようです。抜け出せた当事者の意見としては、参考になるでしょう。小国さんは、抜け出せたきっかけのひとつに「多くの人との出会い」をあげています。

 わたしも、自傷よりも、範囲は広いですが、「生きづらさ」から抜け出すきっかけのひとつも「多くの人との出会い」だと思っています。ただ、その際、自分と同じような人との出会いもよいですが、できるだけ異なる人と出会いのチャンスも広げてはどうでしょうか?今の自分を認めてくれる「居場所」になるような場や人間関係は、自分とは異なるタイプの人たちにも、姿を変えていると思うのです。

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